How Children are affected by the Media
[The first sentence is very important—no matter how impressive the information or discoveries in the rest of the essay, the reader must be “hooked” by the first sentence. Try to compose a first sentence that will pique the interest of the reader. Possibilities are a summary of what will follow, an illustrative anecdote, some background information, a question, and a description, an example of a problem, a definition, or a quotation.] [Double space throughout your essay.] What parent’s may not often realize malleable [Replace this word or phrase with one that is more appropriate for academic writing.)] and may easily receive information through television, radio, Internet websites, video games, and other public source, which perhaps would be beyond their parents capability to supervise. During this time in their development, children are very susceptible to negative influence from music and child stars. Famous figures such as Justin Beiber, Dora the Explorer, and the heroes and, villains of video games, (whose Entertainment Software Rating Board, or ESRB, ratings are often disregarded) are the kind of individuals whom children will often idolize and emulate. However, we [Eliminate first person (I, we, our) in academic essays.] as adults know, these child stars and popular icons are products of the agencies that employ and create them. These agencies are for entertainment, not developmental health. These groups focus solely on attracting an audience for profit whether or not their material is beneficial, neutral, or detrimental. Because of these varying and widespread influences it is critically important for parents to read educational literature and play television beneficial to development including supervised entertainment to match their child. [You seem to be wrestling with quite complex concepts, and consequently, it is easy for your meaning to become muddled. Aim for clarity and exact simplicity.] This access to questionable content such as age-inappropriate television, unsuitable video games, and developmental activities leaning away from critical thinking are causing negative impacts in behavior [Focus your paper on one controlled main idea or thesis.]
When your [Eliminate second person (you/your) in academic documents, and avoid addressing the reader directly.] child first wakes up in the morning, its first instinct is to reach for the particular item in which, their favorite television hosted character on it. Research shows a child’s decision on what to eat for breakfast is not based on what they like and how good it tastes; it’s determined on [Check preposition use—incorrect or unnecessary] the television advertisements that list their favorite character on it. [What is your source for these ideas? If you have used outside sources, please cite them. Anything that is not common knowledge requires a citation. (See the Plagiarism Guide in the Tutorials & Guides section of the Center for Writing Excellence for more information.)] It also is determined that these sugary cereals, candy, fatty foods and toys affect 60% of the commercials that are advertised daily.
“Because of the prevalent marketing of high-sugar cereals to children, many parents feel that they are faced with a choice between purchasing high-sugar children’s cereal versus having their child eats no breakfast at all.” (Pg. 76, Effects of Serving High-Sugar Cereals on Children’s Breakfast-Eating Behavior) [Citation error—Author cited within the text = Smith (2007). Author not cited in the text = (Smith, 2007). Include a...
Citations: of original works within the body of the paper and the reference page are consistent with Associate Program style guidelines. | |
The paper is laid out with effective use of headings, font styles, and white space. | |
Rules of grammar, usage, and punctuation are followed. | |
Spelling is correct. | |
Total 250 Points | Points Earned 180/250 |
Overall Comments:Michelle,You have a strong idea here but it is not well organized. The thesis statement is not clear and does not tell the reader what the essay is about. You did research but you didn’t use it well within the paper. This essay lacks real organization and there are numerous citation errors. Some good effort here, but the piece is still all over the place. Also, you make all these generalizations that are really just your opinion. Be careful of that. Again some good ideas. |
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